I feel the safest writing down my heartfelt words here because no one knows about this space. Words that i never really told anyone. 

I feel absolutely terrible about myself. I love too much. And when i love, i give all of my effort and time. Basically, myself. I need no materials to make me happy but time. However, i must have let my partner feel suffocated. I don't know what to do..  a part of me wants to leave and give time to myself as well as my partner but i'm scared.

Now that a big responsibility is on my shoulder, all i want to do now is to prove that i can do it. To show people that i'm capable of doing something and this is the reason why i'm pushing myself every day even though i seem like i could break down at any time of the day. This is even tougher than i can ever imagine, and in exchange of the time that i'm spending for this preparation, i'm aware of the things and people i have to sacrifice.
I know what's my limit and will stop only when i NEED to, not when i WANT to. So i sincerely hope that you wouldn't keep asking me to pull out from the camp. I don't need these kind of words or advices, but words of encouragements. For the fact of the people that i'm sacrificing, people have no idea how bad i feel inside every night. Not even much time for my parents. There isn't a night whereby i would reach home and sleep peacefully after washing up. For the things you have told me this afternoon, i'm truly disappointed.. i will let go when i need to and you can go all out to do whatever you want with your freedom.

It does gets a little tiring to constantly comparing myself with others. Feeling so lousy inside because i could have been someone who is so much better. I do get reassurances every single time but girls being girls, we can't help it but to compare. We girls always try to be at our best self so that we could potray ourselves better. I have no idea since when have i started acting like this because for the past 18 years of my life, i had NEVER compare myself with others. I used to believe i was good enough for the people who matter around me. My confidence was there even though i knew i wasn't the best. And i guess this is the reason why i've been so moody these few days. I don't know how but i gotta find my confidence back and i have to.

Well sad things aside... i can't wait for my exams to end as well as my academic year. It has been such a.... roller coaster kind of journey for me. I had totally been through the worst kind of days before and i never ever want to experience it again. I'm pretty aware how hectic my schedule gonna be since i have to handle 2 camps with all the preparations.. BUT i really hope i'm able to take at least 2 days off from it to have a staycation with b since we couldn't go overseas together. Really can't wait. At least something for me to look forward to :)

Something that i'm thankful for in the year of 2014.

If anyone asks what's one thing that i'm thankful for in the year of 2014, that would definitely be having him in my life. I know i've mentioned this a several times in my dayre that i had the worst period of my life in the first half of 2014. Yes, literally. That was the period where i had totally lost faith in everything and almost gave up on myself, but he was the one who has picked me up from where i was and made the next half of the year an awesome and meaningful journey for me.
Throughout these few months, i have learnt so much more from a person who has a different background from me. He has showed me what is more than love. It isn't basically just having your partner's presence and doing things a couple is SUPPOSED to do to make your other half happy. It is way more than that. It is having that emotional support when you are feeling at your lowest. A kind of strength to keep you going when you are weak. A kind of faith to motivate you even when you feel like you couldn't do it.
Both of us are so different in our own ways. (Maybe similar in a very cb way) but he has never once given up on me despite the major differences. Instead, he is taking step by step to introduce me new things so that i could be more involved in his life. The same goes for me. He is always more than willing to step out of his comfort zone to do the things i like. And that's how love is isn't it? To compromise with each other and making sure that nothing goes wrong. Even if it does, we will always come together and solve things in a mature way. Even though most of the times i was being such a little girl.
I am more than thankful to have him. He has showed me what this world is about. He is always so patience and willing to teach me things that i don't know. Always there to protect me and prevent me from getting hurt from anyone. Always the first person to reassure me when i'm feeling insecure about myself. Always being so understanding that the both of us need some our personal space as well.
And if it's one thing that i feel the most regretful for, that would be hurting someone who was once so important in my life. It's saddening to brush past each other like strangers. That one year where we stick by each other felt like nothing anymore. I really miss how we used to run to each other when we saw each other in school. However i'm glad that all of these are finally over. I can't deny the fact that i still miss her at times but i'm really happy at the state we are in right now.
I promised to be happy only after she's really happy. And i did it. I didn't lie to you.